How Long Between the Dash?

Life's a "vapor," What exactly does that really mean to me? Why today does "vapor" take on a totally different meaning?
Maybe it has something to do with seeing the dash. Not a 50 yard dash at the track or a mad dash to the mall, but The Dash. The dash, the space between August 9, 1959 - January 7, 2010. That dash.


Great memories came flooding back about birthday laughs we had. Bitter sweet memories celebrating birthday number "50" at Blue Coast and not having a clue it would be the last birthday dinner we would ever eat together. I've still got the receipt and could tell anyone exactly what we ate and where we sat. I can still hear your voice telling me I need to do a better job of staying in touch and that I have let my job take over my life. You were right, and at that time in my life I didn't know from one moment to the next if I was going to wake up and still have a job. Today does that seem very important to me like it did then? Sure doesn't. Why not? What changed? Now there is a dash.


If all of us could see into the future and know the day our own dash would be engraved what would we be doing different today? Would we forgive those who have offended us? Would we spend more quiet time with those we love and less time climbing the corporate ladder? Talk more and scream less? Give to those in need? Share our faith with those who don't know there is more to life after the dash? The choices we make here before the dash will determine where and how we spend eternity after the dash. Does any of that matter to us today since we are living and breathing? If "Yes," thank you for making a difference..... If "No," how sad.


Tomorrow, next week, next month or 10 years may pass, but not one of us know the length of time between our dash. Live in your moment, it's the only one you own.

RIP my Friend, I'll be home when it's time for my dash.

Just Being Me

Its been over 6 months.  Not sure about that cliche' that time heals all wounds. Time also has a way of allowing you to cocoon yourself so you can't feel pain and hurt.  I'm trying to wiggle out of the cocoon. Finding the new me.  Definitely a work in progress but at least its a step in the direction of the light rather than the dark.

I find myself wanting to spend more time with the man I love and my family. They could be taken from me at any moment in time and I don't want to waste a moment.  

Francine would be so excited to know Tim and I actually planted our first garden together.  Yes, I am getting dirty. I know that is hard for those who know me to believe but it has really been fun.  I have vegetables in my freezer to prove it.

I own boots. Real ones, not just the black leather ones I where in Diva mode.  Camo, waterproof boots, mud boots, work boots. No kidding. If you were to see me in the morning making my way to the goat pen in my tee shirt and shorts you would also see my boots. 

We are planning my first hunting trip this fall. That should prove to be something worth posting about I'm sure. I'll let you know how my target practice and cross bow lessons are going.  :) Watching my new Dirt Diva friend Nicole Smith putting up cameras has gotten me excited to see what prize bucks are calling Prim Mountain home. My mountain friend says they have Arkansas' finest whitetails practically in their own back yard. He also warns to look out for the black panther that resides on the same mountain.  Yikes!

I'm making great strides in my new job with LANDFLIP and meeting some of the most fascinating people.  If you would have told me a year ago someone would deem me Dirt Diva material, well... never mind what I would have probably said to you. Just going to keep being me and enjoying each and every day God allows me to walk here . That Dirt Diva has a sweet sound to it don't you think?  

    

The Hall to Hannah Grace

I held a part of you in my arms today, however, before I could hold her I had to walk the hallway where this whole journey started.
The closer I came to the place in the hallway where my heart heard those words and my entire being slumped to the floor in disbelief, the less breath I had.  Not a moment anyone wants to relive.  In order to find the treasure that awaited me in the nursery down the hall walking these steps once again was a requirement.  No way to come at it from a different angle or take a different route.  If there was I certainly was not aware of one.  The pain and sadness was once again so fresh and real.  The tears once again started to fall.  I'm not sure how it can still seem so unreal when I know it is indeed very real.
The hallway where I lost you led to the hallway I would find a part of you that was a living, breathing, priceless jewel.  My eyes could not believe how perfectly beautiful she was.  I stood there with my face against the nursery glass and just breathed her in.  She lay there in that tiny bed like she was laying on the beach in Jamaica.   Not moving, only breathing one breath after another.
I stood there watching her little chest rise and fall, rise and fall.  Life, a little tiny 6.9 pounds of life.
Part of you resides within that tiny treasure.  A part of you is breathing again so my heart needs to put away the sounds and surroundings of your last breath and treasure every moment of this new life.  Its hard to do.  I don't know that it is even possible to do but baby Hannah needs to know all about the love and life you lived not the sadness of the last breath you took.
Later when I held that beautiful new life my heart just melted.  For a moment the hallway did not even exist.  Seeing your daughter radiating with a beauty that I had always seen in you when you spoke of your children just took my breath away.
Life is a beautiful thing.  Living life even more so.  No one will ever be able to be to Hannah Grace who you would have been, but rest in peace knowing she will be surrounded by love.  She will always know that from the moment she was born she began to hear the words Zsa Zsa.  She will not understand those words or their meaning for years to come, never the less, to me, she will always be Zsa Zsa's baby.


Zsa Zsa's baby, baby girl
Zsa Zsa's baby.. most beautiful in the world.
Zsa Zsa's baby, sleep tonight
Zsa Zsa's baby...till the morning light.


Oh we'll rock you and hold you
and kiss your little feet,
we will laugh,  we will cry
tears bittersweet


Zsa Zsa's baby, sweetest face
Zsa Zsa's baby.. little Hannah Grace.

The Dress

What about the dress? Do you have those dates on your calendar into the future when you have "plans" to do something? Somewhere between the holiday, the surgery and before a baby arrives there were "plans". I had a date like that. A date to pick out the perfect dress for my wedding vow renewal ceremony. However, those "plans" did not turn out like I had expected.

The plans we experienced were not written in our calendars. These plans involved being driven away from your final resting place. Never in a million years would it have entered my mind this could be a plan we would be a part of.

The car door closes and Tim drives us away. "I'm so sorry" he says. "I know, I'm sorry to." I say. Then we drive away from the place with the beautiful flowers and all those lives touched by you, they are all saying goodbye.... at least goodbye for now.

Somewhere between the cemetery and the parking lot where we stopped to eat my mind went into overdrive.

What about all those things we will never do? What will your family do without you? What about picking out little Princess clothes? What? What? and Why?

You were the glue. We all know what happens when there is no glue to hold things together. Everything falls apart.

Just about the time its all spinning and spinning and falling apart it happens.

As if you were sitting there enjoying chips and salsa with me, I heard you. It had to be you. No one else had made plans with me to find The Dress.

"When we leave here we need to go straight to The Wardrobe" I said, as if I had just gotten a text message about a shoe sale. Tim looks at me as if I have taken the last step over the big cliff. "What is The Wardrobe?" he asks, still thinking he is going to need to get a to go box and get me home as soon as possible. "The Wardrobe is where my dress is for the wedding renewal ceremony," "Oh" Tim says, and looks at me with a very intense stare. "Did you put it on hold and we need to go pick it up?" "No, I haven't been there yet, but Francine just told me that's where I would find my dress." Now he does not just stare he leans forward to say, "Baby, are you sure you are ok? We can leave if we need to. I'll get some boxes and we'll take this home."

"We don't need to take our food home, let's just eat so we can get over to The Wardrobe, I can't wait to see my dress."

For those of you wondering what in the world The Wardrobe is let me pause and do a little explaining. The Wardrobe is a fabulous little consignment shop in town that Francine and I liked to pop into from time to time. So.... fast forward from the restaurant to the door of The Wardrobe.

I opened the door and immediately turned left as I have always done when entering the store. The wall is lined with dresses starting with the more womanly sizes. As clearly as a new Bose stereo there it was. "Get your *** down there to the middle section, this is the woman section." I know I started to move but even sitting here over a month later I don't know how. I walked to the middle section and put my hand in the rack to push the dresses back so I could look, and there it was. Right under my hand was "the dress." It took my breath away and when I tiptoed to take it off the rack the sales lady said, "Oh that is a beautiful one, would you like to try it on? Looks like it was made for you." If she only knew.

I stepped into the dressing room and stood there for a moment just staring in the mirror. What an amazing thing had just taken place. I was the recipient of such an enormous amount of Gods compassion. You may wonder what in the world does God have to do with finding a dress? It wasn't just any dress. It was THE dress. It was The dress that had my friend and I kept our shopping date she would have said was "perfect" and made certain to tell everyone she had picked it out.

I slipped the dress on and turned around to look in the mirror and all I could say was, "thanks Francine, its absolutely beautiful, its like a Princess dress and best of all it twirls." She always thought it was so funny that I loved a twirly dress.

On a day of such sadness and pain, God gave me this moment to share one final trip to The Wardrobe with my friend.

Exactly one month later I would be walking down the aisle to meet the love of my life and renew our wedding vows after 26 1/2 years of marriage.

She might not have sat on the pew or straightened my tiara but when I put on The Dress, her love surrounded me.

The ceremony was beautiful. Seven couples standing before God and Friends and Family to say , "I Do, again." The cameras flash, the cake is cut and many wishes for 26 1/2 more years.

When the music began to play we stepped out onto the floor and danced to "From This Moment On." I'm not sure how a person can be so happy and yet so sad all in the same moment. There I was in the arms of the man I have loved for more than 10,000 days, wearing The Dress that surrounded me with the love of my dearest friend. The song comes to an end and with a bittersweet smile I spun around and watched my dress twirl and I had to laugh. She would have laughed to and said, "You silly girl."

Then it was Noon

So I woke up on Wednesday morning knowing that if my feet hit the floor I was going to end up standing in a cemetery at 12 noon. My feet did touch the floor even if I don't remember it happening because I did stand in a cemetery at 12 noon on Wednesday, January 13, 2010.

Much to my surprise, and as sad as I had anticipated 12 noon to be, my heart laughed.

You might think that sounds crazy but if you knew my friend it would

make perfect sense.

What was so funny you might be wondering? Classic Francine.... thats what was so funny. We had not even arrived to the cemetery entrance and "classic Francine" was already in motion. Who else would have the road almost completely blocked with huge round hay bales that had fallen off of someones trailer? We literally had to drive through the hay to get to the cemetery. Classic Francine... made me laugh really hard.

Beautiful flowers for a beautiful woman were sitting all around. She would have been so proud of the simplistic beauty her family chose. It was so Francine.

As the minister spoke a favorite scripture passage laughter broke out between 3 beautiful daughters that knew "laying down in green pastures" was indeed what was taking place before our very eyes. Barn to the right... hayfield to the left.. and a tractor in sight. Hard as she might have tried Zsa Zsa just couldn't get away from the farm. My heart had to join in the laughter.

There are only a select few women in the world that would find it completely appropriate to discuss their bosom as they are being laid to rest. Classic Francine. This woman did not find it necessary to carry a purse every where she went because sometimes it was just not convenient. And why in the world would you always carry a purse when you have two wonderful compartments attached to you at all times? Lipstick? Check... Compact? Check... Need a pen? Check...Something to write on? Check.... and for goodness sake don't be alarmed if you are walking through the mall and someones bosom starts to ring just to discover your friend whipping out her cell phone! Check.... You beginning to see why I said there was much laughter?

Story after story could be told about this woman and her "inviting breasts" as the minister said. I had to laugh because as I stood there arm in arm with her husband and he laughed I knew we could have told boob stories all day long.

Classic Francine.

Did somebody remember to call OnStar? Francine traveled with her job across most of the state of AR. There are places, that believe it or not, phone reception is not the greatest. If she happen to travel upon such a spot and there was no one to talk to OnStar was the next best thing. Yes they help you out when you lock your keys in your car or get lost and need directions or have an accident and need assistance but I bet you didn't know if you just needed someone to talk to when your phone wouldn't let you call your best friend they provide that service as well. Maybe not to everyone... but they did for my friend. You might try it but I can't promise you will be in the same exclusive club as she was in. More often than not Francine was the exception to every rule. :)

I must believe in my heart that at the noon hour on January 13th, 2010 she smiled and said, "Wow the whole fam-damly showed up! Must be a party!

What's for lunch?"

It Becomes Real

Today it became more real. Less than 100 hours ago I was holding the hand of my very best friend and saying goodbye. I don't mean saying goodbye as in she boarded a plane or took off driving down the road in her caddy. Not that kind of goodbye I'm so sad to say.

It was the kind of goodbye where you watch a husband and children whom you love deeply experience the most horrible pain one could imagine. Dear friends stand in total disbelief listening to Doctors and prayers and machines. Were it not for my husbands arms surrounding me the floor could have opened up and swallowed me.

Its the same beautiful soft hand I have held hundreds of times before. Never have I known anyone with such soft and gentle hands.

What a blessing to have known the touch of these hands.

A woman with a new baby could not get within 10 feet of these hands before they would be outstretched and grabbing to take hold and count fingers and toes.

These hands love cheeks... especially chubby ones they could pinch and then share a kiss with. Countless tears were wiped away by these hands, mine included, more times than I can count.

It would be easier to list what these hands didn't do than to try and describe all the love they brought to so many lives.

They made the best potato salad in the world, picked up the dry cleaning, made yummy pancakes for breakfast, loved to iron clothes, ( that one was always foreign to me) wrote beautiful notes in cards, dialed a million zillion numbers on cell phones, tracked every step in a day planner, bathed and cared for those unable to care for themselves, prayed for those in need and wore with such pride the ring from the man she loved more than life itself.

They were just hands you might say, but no, you would be wrong. These were gifts. Gifts, that had I known were about to slip through my hands, I would have held more tightly and spent much more time cherishing.

When was the last time you took someone you loved by the hand and just said, "I love you so much?" What are you waiting for? A lot can change in your life in less than 100 hours.

How do we say Goodbye?

She Loved

Where to begin?

As I said in my welcome statement this is a new experience for me. I know that all things happen for a purpose. My faith also causes me to hold on to the fact that even the things that appear senseless... in time, Gods time, can still turn out for good. There are no accidents with God. So I guess this is where our journey begins.

I'm sure you probably have one of those friends that can finish your sentences or tell the waiter exactly how burned you like your bacon. You know the one that calls when you are in the middle of a big pity party and tells you to "Put on your big girl panties and deal with it!" that friend. The one that can pop in when you are still in your pj's with bed head and you never even think about pretending not to be home. You just answer the door and hear some scarcastic remark about what kind of new do are you trying to pull off with that hair. You know the one. Most everyone of us have one. I did.

While all the world kept spinning and cars contiuned to drive and planes still flew overhead and people were walking and talking....my world stopped the minute I stepped off the elevator and her daughter said, "I'm sorry, we lost her." Lost her??? Like she's running around in this hospital giving some doctor grief lost her? Or she checked out to get to the spa because she got mad you made her take off her toe nail polish before surgery lost her? What kind of "lost her" do you mean exactly?

This is my journey right now. For whatever reason it appears I have been introduced to the world of blogging, God only knows. I'm not an English major and did not even finish college so what you read and what I say are just real live feelings. Saying that, I'm sure you won't read very far until you find a type O or something that is not "correct grammer" as my daughter so often likes to say. That's ok. I'm not turning this in to my English professor. I'm not turning it in to anyone. I'm just sharing my heart and dealing for the very first time in my 45 years with a very sudden loss of my very best friend. As words come I'll continue on this journey.