The Hall to Hannah Grace

I held a part of you in my arms today, however, before I could hold her I had to walk the hallway where this whole journey started.
The closer I came to the place in the hallway where my heart heard those words and my entire being slumped to the floor in disbelief, the less breath I had.  Not a moment anyone wants to relive.  In order to find the treasure that awaited me in the nursery down the hall walking these steps once again was a requirement.  No way to come at it from a different angle or take a different route.  If there was I certainly was not aware of one.  The pain and sadness was once again so fresh and real.  The tears once again started to fall.  I'm not sure how it can still seem so unreal when I know it is indeed very real.
The hallway where I lost you led to the hallway I would find a part of you that was a living, breathing, priceless jewel.  My eyes could not believe how perfectly beautiful she was.  I stood there with my face against the nursery glass and just breathed her in.  She lay there in that tiny bed like she was laying on the beach in Jamaica.   Not moving, only breathing one breath after another.
I stood there watching her little chest rise and fall, rise and fall.  Life, a little tiny 6.9 pounds of life.
Part of you resides within that tiny treasure.  A part of you is breathing again so my heart needs to put away the sounds and surroundings of your last breath and treasure every moment of this new life.  Its hard to do.  I don't know that it is even possible to do but baby Hannah needs to know all about the love and life you lived not the sadness of the last breath you took.
Later when I held that beautiful new life my heart just melted.  For a moment the hallway did not even exist.  Seeing your daughter radiating with a beauty that I had always seen in you when you spoke of your children just took my breath away.
Life is a beautiful thing.  Living life even more so.  No one will ever be able to be to Hannah Grace who you would have been, but rest in peace knowing she will be surrounded by love.  She will always know that from the moment she was born she began to hear the words Zsa Zsa.  She will not understand those words or their meaning for years to come, never the less, to me, she will always be Zsa Zsa's baby.


Zsa Zsa's baby, baby girl
Zsa Zsa's baby.. most beautiful in the world.
Zsa Zsa's baby, sleep tonight
Zsa Zsa's baby...till the morning light.


Oh we'll rock you and hold you
and kiss your little feet,
we will laugh,  we will cry
tears bittersweet


Zsa Zsa's baby, sweetest face
Zsa Zsa's baby.. little Hannah Grace.

The Dress

What about the dress? Do you have those dates on your calendar into the future when you have "plans" to do something? Somewhere between the holiday, the surgery and before a baby arrives there were "plans". I had a date like that. A date to pick out the perfect dress for my wedding vow renewal ceremony. However, those "plans" did not turn out like I had expected.

The plans we experienced were not written in our calendars. These plans involved being driven away from your final resting place. Never in a million years would it have entered my mind this could be a plan we would be a part of.

The car door closes and Tim drives us away. "I'm so sorry" he says. "I know, I'm sorry to." I say. Then we drive away from the place with the beautiful flowers and all those lives touched by you, they are all saying goodbye.... at least goodbye for now.

Somewhere between the cemetery and the parking lot where we stopped to eat my mind went into overdrive.

What about all those things we will never do? What will your family do without you? What about picking out little Princess clothes? What? What? and Why?

You were the glue. We all know what happens when there is no glue to hold things together. Everything falls apart.

Just about the time its all spinning and spinning and falling apart it happens.

As if you were sitting there enjoying chips and salsa with me, I heard you. It had to be you. No one else had made plans with me to find The Dress.

"When we leave here we need to go straight to The Wardrobe" I said, as if I had just gotten a text message about a shoe sale. Tim looks at me as if I have taken the last step over the big cliff. "What is The Wardrobe?" he asks, still thinking he is going to need to get a to go box and get me home as soon as possible. "The Wardrobe is where my dress is for the wedding renewal ceremony," "Oh" Tim says, and looks at me with a very intense stare. "Did you put it on hold and we need to go pick it up?" "No, I haven't been there yet, but Francine just told me that's where I would find my dress." Now he does not just stare he leans forward to say, "Baby, are you sure you are ok? We can leave if we need to. I'll get some boxes and we'll take this home."

"We don't need to take our food home, let's just eat so we can get over to The Wardrobe, I can't wait to see my dress."

For those of you wondering what in the world The Wardrobe is let me pause and do a little explaining. The Wardrobe is a fabulous little consignment shop in town that Francine and I liked to pop into from time to time. So.... fast forward from the restaurant to the door of The Wardrobe.

I opened the door and immediately turned left as I have always done when entering the store. The wall is lined with dresses starting with the more womanly sizes. As clearly as a new Bose stereo there it was. "Get your *** down there to the middle section, this is the woman section." I know I started to move but even sitting here over a month later I don't know how. I walked to the middle section and put my hand in the rack to push the dresses back so I could look, and there it was. Right under my hand was "the dress." It took my breath away and when I tiptoed to take it off the rack the sales lady said, "Oh that is a beautiful one, would you like to try it on? Looks like it was made for you." If she only knew.

I stepped into the dressing room and stood there for a moment just staring in the mirror. What an amazing thing had just taken place. I was the recipient of such an enormous amount of Gods compassion. You may wonder what in the world does God have to do with finding a dress? It wasn't just any dress. It was THE dress. It was The dress that had my friend and I kept our shopping date she would have said was "perfect" and made certain to tell everyone she had picked it out.

I slipped the dress on and turned around to look in the mirror and all I could say was, "thanks Francine, its absolutely beautiful, its like a Princess dress and best of all it twirls." She always thought it was so funny that I loved a twirly dress.

On a day of such sadness and pain, God gave me this moment to share one final trip to The Wardrobe with my friend.

Exactly one month later I would be walking down the aisle to meet the love of my life and renew our wedding vows after 26 1/2 years of marriage.

She might not have sat on the pew or straightened my tiara but when I put on The Dress, her love surrounded me.

The ceremony was beautiful. Seven couples standing before God and Friends and Family to say , "I Do, again." The cameras flash, the cake is cut and many wishes for 26 1/2 more years.

When the music began to play we stepped out onto the floor and danced to "From This Moment On." I'm not sure how a person can be so happy and yet so sad all in the same moment. There I was in the arms of the man I have loved for more than 10,000 days, wearing The Dress that surrounded me with the love of my dearest friend. The song comes to an end and with a bittersweet smile I spun around and watched my dress twirl and I had to laugh. She would have laughed to and said, "You silly girl."